Waves of Regret....

In the lyrics for the song, "My Way," it states:

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

But is the song really true to life? I think not. I think (myself included) we are so worry about what others think of us, we live 99% of our lives doing things to please the outside world at hand. Regret is such an ugly little creature with its' little horns siting on ones shoulder, it can pop up anywhere and anytime.

Like most, I have many waves in my sea of regrets. Some just touch the lip of the sand and others are strong waves that could carry a boat far from its' home. Like why did I chose to major in education when I knew the world defines "Role Model," so differently then I do. I probably could have found a way to use my talents better elsewhere. Or why when I'm around my Daddy, I turned into the 7 year old he left. I wish I could ask, "Why the hell did you chose the bottle, pot, and another women you might have know since before I was born over a family that could have been bound for greatest?" Probably because the truth of my Daddy's words would swallow me whole.

Then there are the title waves of regrets. The ones that sweep over my head and leave me gasping for air when I lest expect it. Like the real reason I hate the holidays, or when so long ago someone asked me for space. But being young, I did not know what that meant. I was just trying to hold on to newest of something I wanted to find my whole life. Would the course of my life be so different now? Yes. Would that be a bad thing, I honestly don't know that answer.

One of my biggest waves of regrets and it has been haunting me allot lately is not saying good bye to my MaMa Shug (my Mom's Mother) I was the baby of eighteen grand children and wore it like a badge of honor. There was a four year age gap between my closest cousin and I. And ask anyone, they all say I was her favorite. While they were off being grown-ups, I was still young enough to want to be with her. My Ma Shug had the most beautiful porcelain skin and always smelled of Estee Lauder Youth Dew perfume. She was a good christen women who believed in her bible, said her prayers, and never said a bad word.Expect for s-it never with the "h". Which still makes me laugh.

She was never sick, so when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer it was a shock. Within two weeks we were are her funnel. The day before she pasted away we arrived at the hospital. Ma Ma Shug was in a coma. I saw all the tubes coming out of her and her beautiful skin was now a shade of green, I'd never seen before. One look at her from the doorway, I slide down the wall in tears. One of my older cousins took by back to their house. I was not strong enough to say goodbye. She died one mouth to the day shy of my fifteenth birthday.

I always say, "What happen when there are no words left to be said?" But from the sea of regrets in my life, I leaned there are always words left to be said. For me tho, it's just simply if my soul can find it's own voice to say them aloud or if the water will drown them out.