The one I chose....

The week has been pretty good, not complaints. No dropping cell phone in the bath, no stress from Kayden's cardiology appt., no family drama yet, no fevers, and no laptops breaking.


I have been thinking a allot about my Nonnie. My Nonnie is my Daddy's mom and my only remaining grandparent. She is 88 and lives in a nursing home. Our family thought she had Parkinson's until this week at her neurology appt. my aunt was told she has Progressive supranuclear palsy. It was hard for people to understand Nonnie Parkinson's becuase she never shook on the outside, it was more internalize. So some never got it and would say, "Well, she just gave up!" This statement would infuriates me. No my Nonnie did not give up, how dare you say that. First of all, you are just seeing one piece of a large puzzle. You don't come visit her every few weeks, for whatever reasons of selfishness you have. So you are only seeing the now. I think I understand allot because, my Nonnie knows how to walk, talk, stand, drink...., in her head but she can't get her body to listen. So don't say she gave up or she chose to be in a wheelchair, or needing help using the bathroom, or not being able to remember a name. No she did not chose this because Mc Coys' don't give up.


There is only little things I remember about Nonnie when I was a little girl. One is she had this little blue rocking chair I would sit in at her house, and she had a green crayon cup just for me. My parents got divorced when I was 7, and she tells a story, that I called her and said, "If you don't buy me a purple Izod outfit, don't come to my party." And hung up. What I think is so funny now, she could have said no. But she gave into my wishes and I don't think she realizes I wore that outfit for years! She told that story at my wedding, and of course I have to put my two cents in. I regret just not listening.


After my Daddy left, he left. I am sure my Nonnie wanted to see me, but was not sure how. My mom's mom and I were very close. After she died when I was almost 15, I chose Nonnie. I chose her. I spent every Thanksgiving, Christmas eve, and other holidays with her. There always has been a little odd silence between us, but I did not care. I remember being at her house not knowing what to say or how to start a conversation but being ok with that. Nonnie was never a grandmother that would hold and love on you, she was and is a hard cookie. I don't know the trivial stuff about her life like her favorite color, who she took to prom or what did she want to be when she grew up. But what I learn from her and what I do know it so much more important.


Now I have questions still like is she proud of me for what my life is and who I am. I see so much of me when I look at her. Now I treasure that silence when I go visit her. I hold her hand with her red nails. And I listen to the non-verbal words between us, the I am sorry, I love you, you are doing a great job with Kayden, and the forgiveness. And most of all in that silence there lies love and a huge sense of belonging and understanding.