Waves of Regret....

In the lyrics for the song, "My Way," it states:

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

But is the song really true to life? I think not. I think (myself included) we are so worry about what others think of us, we live 99% of our lives doing things to please the outside world at hand. Regret is such an ugly little creature with its' little horns siting on ones shoulder, it can pop up anywhere and anytime.

Like most, I have many waves in my sea of regrets. Some just touch the lip of the sand and others are strong waves that could carry a boat far from its' home. Like why did I chose to major in education when I knew the world defines "Role Model," so differently then I do. I probably could have found a way to use my talents better elsewhere. Or why when I'm around my Daddy, I turned into the 7 year old he left. I wish I could ask, "Why the hell did you chose the bottle, pot, and another women you might have know since before I was born over a family that could have been bound for greatest?" Probably because the truth of my Daddy's words would swallow me whole.

Then there are the title waves of regrets. The ones that sweep over my head and leave me gasping for air when I lest expect it. Like the real reason I hate the holidays, or when so long ago someone asked me for space. But being young, I did not know what that meant. I was just trying to hold on to newest of something I wanted to find my whole life. Would the course of my life be so different now? Yes. Would that be a bad thing, I honestly don't know that answer.

One of my biggest waves of regrets and it has been haunting me allot lately is not saying good bye to my MaMa Shug (my Mom's Mother) I was the baby of eighteen grand children and wore it like a badge of honor. There was a four year age gap between my closest cousin and I. And ask anyone, they all say I was her favorite. While they were off being grown-ups, I was still young enough to want to be with her. My Ma Shug had the most beautiful porcelain skin and always smelled of Estee Lauder Youth Dew perfume. She was a good christen women who believed in her bible, said her prayers, and never said a bad word.Expect for s-it never with the "h". Which still makes me laugh.

She was never sick, so when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer it was a shock. Within two weeks we were are her funnel. The day before she pasted away we arrived at the hospital. Ma Ma Shug was in a coma. I saw all the tubes coming out of her and her beautiful skin was now a shade of green, I'd never seen before. One look at her from the doorway, I slide down the wall in tears. One of my older cousins took by back to their house. I was not strong enough to say goodbye. She died one mouth to the day shy of my fifteenth birthday.

I always say, "What happen when there are no words left to be said?" But from the sea of regrets in my life, I leaned there are always words left to be said. For me tho, it's just simply if my soul can find it's own voice to say them aloud or if the water will drown them out.

Thought

A child's innocents is like a tattoo with the passing of life it starts to slowly fade.

UP!

We took Kayden to see UP!! He did pretty good considering it was only his third movie and it was way over his head. He got wormie in the boring parts and went back and forth between me and Michael about 1000 times. He would say this long string of words then put is finger to his mouth and say "Hush!". He danced at the end he said "Bye-Bye Movie!" Very cute.

My favorite part was the talking dog and collar. I swear did they take a page from my dog Angel's life. He-He I love you, He-He Ball, He-He Food, SQUIRREL!!!! Now that was funny.

Off to finish my book "My Sister's Keeper" with less then 100 pages to go, I've enjoyed every word. It is the perfect book to get me back into reading. I am proud of myself I must say.

Why?

Why still does the heart crave for things that the mind knows are so wrong.

I wonder this so much some days....

Boobies!!

When someone asks me "How old is your little boy?" I have to stop myself from saying 2, I pause and think oh my, he is almost three. Where does the time go?? Kayden is not a baby or a toddler anymore but is turning into such a smart and handsone little boy! Was it just yesterday he was still in my tummy, and his kicks felt like the way you see popcorn popping in the microwave. Getting him here safely was the hardest thing I've ever done. Hospital stays, being sick, high blood pressure, per-term labor, early arrival and on and on. But by the grace of God, I did it and most of the time I did not complain. And now I look at him and think, "Did you grow over-night?"

He maybe be the funniest child ever. His new one it hiding his face with his hands when his is in trouble. Like if you can't see me and I can't see you then I must not have done it. And if Daddy is getting on to him he hides in my lap, and says, "My Mommy, My Mommy," playing us against each other. That melts my heart and he know how to work it! He was in bed Sunday night and I was reading him a story, he looked down my shirt and with the funniest face looked up and said "boobies," I thought I might die I laughed so hard! I thought a boy would be low maintenance, WRONG!! He is such a DIVO!

Why would anyone want to go back to the baby stage again with another child is beyond me. No more bottles, binkies, or a baby car seats. I think "three" is going to be a time for Kayden just to learn and play and have fun. It is this magical time for him. The only thing keeping him in baby-hood is there is still potty training left to do.... Da-Da-Da-Dam!!!

Principles....

It truly drives me crazy when someone goes back and forth and can't make an decision. O.K. if you are going to do something just do it. Don't re-hash a topic that we already closed the chapter on. I try so hard to live my life by some basic values and principles, I was raised with the understanding that My word needs to be one of my strongest characteristics. If I say I going to do something, it is more then likely I will complete the task at hand. I don't usually change my mind or back out of something unless I myself or my family is for lack of a better word dieing.

I am a traditionalist when it comes to many things, not to just to be a pain in the butt, but because of the meaning behind the action. For example, we did not ever put a Christmas tree up before Thanksgiving growing up. So I have no desire to eat my turkey and dressing in front of sliver and gold balls hanging from a tree with lights. Every year I beg my Aunt to make this corn beef cheese ball and Orange Date Nut Cake, yes they are good. But it is more about the memory of my Nonnie standing in the kitchen in a apron and my Daddy and I fighting over who got the bigger slice of cake, then the actual food items. Or I can not eat home biscuits because it reminds me of my Ma Ma Shug and how in each piece of dough was her love. I wonder if she sheds a tear ever when she looks down on us and sees what her family has become. What a disappointment we all are.I use to be so proud to be apart of such a great family, but now I am ashamed and do not want to be apart of a family that fights and talks about each other all the time. No one supports anyone anymore. We all have sides. And that is why I no longer think of myself as a "Hamm." which is my mom's maiden name.

I know it makes Michael mad when I say, "I am not a Tucker, I married a Tucker." But it is true. I value the name Mc Coy so much. I wanted to name Kayden, Mc Coy and call him "Coy". Besides, Mc Coy Clay Tucker would make such a great country singers name! :-) LOL. But my Kayden was meant to be a Kayden. This week I notice my sister had a face book page. Great for her, but she also was using her madien name as "Mc Coy." NO,NO,NO!!! She has stated many times she hates my dad, he never really adopted her (we are half sisters, we have different dads) and she is in my view un-kind and un-caring to my Nonnie. So I probably went about it in the wrong way but I told my mom, to tell her to remove "Mc Coy," from her page out of respect. Of course my mom's first response was I don't even know what face book is, blah blah. I swear she always is missing my point. I checked again this week, her whole profile is gone so mom must have said something to her. Ha, I just wanted her to take my name off.

This week when my niece text me, and said "We are engaged." I honestly did not know who it was. It really does hurt. I love both my nieces very much and was so close to them growing up. My face used to light up when I talked about them. And I did my best to try to be a great aunt. But some where along the way, They along with their mom and dad became what I dislike so much. The fake stereotypical "Keller Snobs." Keeping put with the Jones' also meant being ashamed of a real me. But I text ed back and said, "I am happy for you and that is wonderful news!" Who knows what lies ahead for this broken messed-up bunch we call a family. I am so so very glad Kayden will never have siblings, they are so over rated!!

Wonderment

This time of year is always so busy for Michael. with the school coming to a close. So many ARD meetings, in-homes, and 14 hour days, This is going to be a long long week. But since the weather is pretty today, Kayden and I played outside. We were playing in he stand-up sand box (I won't let him have a sit down one because of the fear of pen worms, and yes there is a story there) we were talked about what was in the box. what colors were things, the birds singing and the planes flying by. I was looking at my son, while he was sitting on the grass putting leaves in the water horse thinking how interesting this little human is.

Without a care in the world. I find it so charming that when children are little all they want to do it be bigger. They get up-side when they have to go home after playing at the park for hours, fighting naps when they can't keep their eyes open, or taking more cookies then their little hands can hold. Life for Kayden is the here and now. He does not know what real pain, real disappointment or regret is yet. He just makes every moment count. And if he is in need, there seems be always be a pair of loving arms to run to for safety. What a wonderful life my son has. I hope I can help make his childhood of wonderment last as long as possible.

"No, Cheese, No Cheese!"

Yesterday was Kayden's last day of school. I can't believe how fast it went. He went to a Mother's Day Out program twice a week. It was very hard at first, but then he started to enjoy it more and more. He had two of the most caring teachers ever. It is nice to leave your son with people who care about his well being just as much as you do! These two wonderful beautiful ladies will always have a special place in my heart. I truly think they were sent from above. On the way home I was trying to get a few pictures of him. And Mr. Kayden a.k.a. turkey was in the backseat kicking and yelling, "No, Cheese, No Cheese!" and laughing as he said it. I need some creative things to keep him busy for the next three weeks. Play dates anyone??!! I'll be the first to tell you Kayden is a mess!

The one I chose....

The week has been pretty good, not complaints. No dropping cell phone in the bath, no stress from Kayden's cardiology appt., no family drama yet, no fevers, and no laptops breaking.


I have been thinking a allot about my Nonnie. My Nonnie is my Daddy's mom and my only remaining grandparent. She is 88 and lives in a nursing home. Our family thought she had Parkinson's until this week at her neurology appt. my aunt was told she has Progressive supranuclear palsy. It was hard for people to understand Nonnie Parkinson's becuase she never shook on the outside, it was more internalize. So some never got it and would say, "Well, she just gave up!" This statement would infuriates me. No my Nonnie did not give up, how dare you say that. First of all, you are just seeing one piece of a large puzzle. You don't come visit her every few weeks, for whatever reasons of selfishness you have. So you are only seeing the now. I think I understand allot because, my Nonnie knows how to walk, talk, stand, drink...., in her head but she can't get her body to listen. So don't say she gave up or she chose to be in a wheelchair, or needing help using the bathroom, or not being able to remember a name. No she did not chose this because Mc Coys' don't give up.


There is only little things I remember about Nonnie when I was a little girl. One is she had this little blue rocking chair I would sit in at her house, and she had a green crayon cup just for me. My parents got divorced when I was 7, and she tells a story, that I called her and said, "If you don't buy me a purple Izod outfit, don't come to my party." And hung up. What I think is so funny now, she could have said no. But she gave into my wishes and I don't think she realizes I wore that outfit for years! She told that story at my wedding, and of course I have to put my two cents in. I regret just not listening.


After my Daddy left, he left. I am sure my Nonnie wanted to see me, but was not sure how. My mom's mom and I were very close. After she died when I was almost 15, I chose Nonnie. I chose her. I spent every Thanksgiving, Christmas eve, and other holidays with her. There always has been a little odd silence between us, but I did not care. I remember being at her house not knowing what to say or how to start a conversation but being ok with that. Nonnie was never a grandmother that would hold and love on you, she was and is a hard cookie. I don't know the trivial stuff about her life like her favorite color, who she took to prom or what did she want to be when she grew up. But what I learn from her and what I do know it so much more important.


Now I have questions still like is she proud of me for what my life is and who I am. I see so much of me when I look at her. Now I treasure that silence when I go visit her. I hold her hand with her red nails. And I listen to the non-verbal words between us, the I am sorry, I love you, you are doing a great job with Kayden, and the forgiveness. And most of all in that silence there lies love and a huge sense of belonging and understanding.

Cutting the Cord!

Yesterday, was Mother's Day it was nice. We did the same thing we always do on Sundays. Mass, Dicky's BBQ, and home. Micheal and I went to James Avery, while he was off last week because of the pig flu closings. I had wanted a ring called the "Lovers Knot," for about two years. Sometimes it is hard to wear my wedding set, since I do mom things and wash my hands so much. I wanted a simple ring I could wear on non-dressed up days. So my ring was my Mother's day gift. Kayden picked me out the prettiest balloon in the world, and I got that the day before too.

We took my mom to lunch with us and that was draining. Everything was Kayden is sleepy, Kayden feels hot, Kayden wants cake, Kayden this, Kayden that and on and on. I don't feel great about the way I look right now and instead of helping and supporting me, my Mom harps on me. You need to cut your hair, it will take 10 pds. off (She thinks I along with everyone else should have big blonde Texas hair), you need to go to the dr. you need to wipe down your whole house so Kayden won't get sick again, and on and on. Finally I just looked at her and said "Stop." What I need to do is take responsibility for my own actions and not be afraid to change. And she needs to get that I am capable of caring for my family without help. I love her so much, but it is not her duty to clean my house, care for Kayden or tell me how to be. It will all get done, just on my time and terms. So after lunch we took her back home, so she could go over to her prefect child's house. My sister whom I don't speak to, share visitation of my mom, without words.

After a nap, Michael had this great idea of going to Krystal's, I thought he meant the pizza place in Irving, Ahh No Gross! But it is in Ft. Worth and they have sliders like White Castles. He is a Yankee, what can I say?? To my shock it was good, then it was a Target run for the week. Maybe I was hurt that I could not spend Mother's day as a family like we used to or maybe I long to be able to hold hands with my Nonnie and have her call me kitten. I am unsure. I just felt off yesterday. But I don't need a special day to feel loved by Michael and my sweet Kayden, no sir that occurs every single day.

What is in a word??.... a whole lot

I wrote this letter a year and a half ago. And I throught I share my view on this topic!

Dear The Ladies of The View,

I am writing this letter to express my disappointment in the quality of the View this season. My main complaint about Rosie is she has used the word "cripple" on the show. She said the word on air when she was interviewing a mother of an American soldier who got injured in the war. The same show had Bob Woodworth on it discussing TBI because of the war. The meaning of this word is so offensive to such a large group of people. The definition state: 1 a sometimes offensive : a lame or partly disabled person or animal b : one that is disabled or deficient in a specified manner 2 : something flawed or imperfect. Why is she allowed to say this insulting word to describe an individual? I think that because American looks to the View as a guide, the show's responsibility is to show people with differences in a positive light. The program should focus on one's hopes and dreams, instead of concentrating on a negative viewpoint all the time. We as a world community need to change our mentality about being different then one another. We act like it is such a terrible thing, but not one of us on the plant is perfect. I think Rosie is a hypocrite. I got to meet her on her show in March of 2001, when she was known as "the queen of nice." She was so mean. I was so excited and when I get nervous my speech can become a little harder to understand. I was trying to tell her I was in college and how I wanted to help special needs students, she did not even pretend to care. She asked me if I was deaf and I thought that was very uncalled for.

I know the View loves teachers and people that can make a difference. I am a teacher that truly believes I can make I difference if someone would merely give me a chance. All I want is to be a role model within my community. This is why I am so up-set that the media including this show keeps using this negative term. This season there has been a number of TV shows using this word including Big Day, The O.C., Friday Night Lights, House, Lost, and many others. For example, just this morning on Regis and Kelly actress Katie Walsh from Grey's Anatomy made an offensive statement. She said, "I was waiting tables and my hands would not work right, it was like I had some type of palsy. I know this statement will not be head line news and nothing will be said about her comment. Why is that ok? Is it because the disabilities community does not have a political leader and the money to back them. If someone does not speak up and taken a stand against this issue, then people are going to think it is ok to use such a word in their every day vocabulary and it is not. What is this a throwback to the 1930 and 1940's, when people with challenges were all institutions? Why this bothers me so much is cripple means broken and there is nothing wrong with me, nor do I need to be fixed. If I sat on her stage and used the "N" word to describe an African American or the "D" word to describe a lesbian, Rosie and other groups would be outrage the same way people are outraged by the recent comments Imus has made. I would and never use those terms so why is it OK for her to use an insulting remark to talk about people just like me?

I am a 33 year old college grad, with a degree in special education. I am the first in my family to graduate. I also was born with a light case of cerebral palsy. C.P. is not a genetic disorder; it was cause due to environmental factors when I was being born. C.P. affects my movements and the way I speak. I have had years of therapy to help with these issues. I have a full and regular life, I can be fully understood, and have been married to a wonderful man for over seven years. I also have a 2 1/2 year old son. I am a full time mother who dreaming of her child growing up in a world that does not look down on my disabilities but praises my abilities. My son will simply grow up knowing me as his "perfect" mom, the only mom he will ever know. We are all different in our own beautiful way. Love knows no race, disabilities, or social norms. I think I am a better parent then half our population. Why should I be judged as a mom because of the way I walk? When I was born the doctors told my parents I would never walk, talk or live a "normal" live, but they were wrong. What one person might see as a struggle for me, I just find my own way to complete it and move on to the next task. I have learned to modify for myself in my life, without giving something a second thought. All my life I was raise by my mother and the belief, I could accomplish anything with hard work and determination. I decided to become a teacher, because I wanted to give children the same encouragement and love that I experienced in school. All though college I had mentors and professors tell me, "You will never teach because of your disability." This did cause me to doubt myself at times but I would keep my head held high and believe my good grades and degree would help me show the education world how capable I really am. After graduation in 2001, I did get a job. I was blessed to teach a life skills class for a year. I had a wonderful class of students and loved my job. Unfortunately due to a certification problem cause by my university, I was let go from my teaching position. My district could not hold my job. By the time my certification issue was resolved, they had found a replacement. For years I have applied to over twenty-five district. Each time I go to an interview I am fully prepared. I have a well put together portfolio, recommendation letters, and other qualifications to help me prove myself. I can see their faces when I walk in. I know they are thinking "Oh, NO," I think it is very sad that our school districts are so hypocritical. Especially special education teachers. You would think they would love to have a teacher like me teaching the students. My presents would help students learn that they can reach they own dream no matter what their struggles are. I have also applied for non-teaching positions, but have had no luck. I have called many local and state agencies asking for help and guidance. They tell me, "Oh, we can help you get a job at Wal-Mart or Mc Donald's." I did not work my butt in college, get my teaching certification, and have great job evolutions to flip hamburgers.

I am not the social norm that people think of when their think of a person with a disability. I am lucky to have had great opportunities, but those opportunities still did not prepare me enough to be treated unfairly by our world in this day and age Only about 10% of students with any type of disabilities go to college and only around 20% are in the workforce. That to me is just outrageous. I do not know where to go from here. I am a bright, caring, and positive person who wants to teach. Our culture looks at people with disabilities as outcasts. Our society can not separate physical and mental disabilities; they look at them as one in the same. I do not think the world owns me anything. I do not expect anything other then a fair chance. My dream is simple. I want to be a wonderful wife, mother, and an active member of my community who as something to give. I want to help enrich the lives of children through education. I also want the media to take and stand and stop creating stereotypes were there should be none. I think the View should be the first to promote understanding and awareness and help the media to take a stand and stop using negative words such as "cripple," to describe individuals with disabilities. If the View can help break down the walls of racism in our country then why can't the show also help the American pubic see individuals with disabilities in a positive light?

Thank you,

Kathryn

RENT!!

I have been thinking about starting a blog for sometime now. But one thought always raced through my head, like the way my precious boy does when he hears the pop on the garage when Michael gets home at night after a long day. "I'm I that interesting?" My conclusion, for some is yes! So this is my canvass to fill with words, thoughts, random-ness and life's little moments of joy.

Yesterday my heart smiled. I was lucky enough to get to see RENT. To me music is art. And RENT was an unbelievable piece of movable art. When I first saw the movie a few years ago, I liked it. I gave it a A (I grade movies, it is the teacher in me) but then it grew into this beloved treasure of theater. I knew since September, it was coming to Dallas and I was going. When the tickets went on sale, I got to buy pre-sale ones. I was over the moon with excitement. I brought my tickets and got great seats. Then I looked at them after and realized I got the wrong day. CRAP-A-TY Crap!! So I brought the right ones. I tried along w/friends to sell the wrong ones, but no luck!

Anyways, I was just happy I was going. I went with four of my favortie people in the world. Sarah, Amanda, and Leanne. We got abit lost in Dallas going to eat at the West End, "Here we go loop-de-loop," but we made it there in one piece. At lunch we ate, talked, laughed a whole lot, and up-dated each other on our latest news. Then on to the show.... We walked in to the Music Hall and about half way down I just STOPPED!! My friends all asked, "Are you ok??" And I said, "I just want to breathe it all in." And I did. From the first moment the lights went down to the first time Mark (a.k.a Anthony Rapp who created the role and was in the movie) walked on stage I took it all in. I savored the show like an ice cream you have on a hot Texas July afternoon. I wanted every note to last! I just sat there with my hand over my heart and a huge smile mouthing the score and thinking, WoW, this is a special day!

The funniest part was I was in line to go potty and people were outside lining up after the show. We looked out the big window, and Amanda said, "I thinking they are coming out!" I ran so fast, my friends could not believe their eyes. They were shocked. Sad to said no cast members came out, I guess because they had an 8:00 show. But if they had, I might literally peed in my pants.

I value my friends so much. I have an older sister that I have not talked to in a year, that is a whole other blog. These women are my support, my family and my limbs. I always say without one the body does not feel right. I can tell them anything and without judgement they help me through. I have more then just these three, I have a circle of friends and close family who will cheer when it is time to celebrate and carry me when my body can not move.

That is it for tonight, I have to figure out way my picture is so big!! Lots more to come.