Hit or Miss....

Lets see what has been going on....

My new picture is now going to be my official fat picture. From this point on I so hope to lose weight. I did not do that great last week, but did WW kind-of and lost 1.2 pds. But this week I'm focus and ready! My goal is to be in the 40's this week and work out at lest 4 times (I already worked out twice.) I was going to blog about what I eat each day for accountability, but I thought That might be boring. But we will see.

Last week, I went to dinner and to see the Wizard of OZ, with my longest friend Cathy and her husband Robert and Kayden's music teacher Desiree and her husband. Robert was so kind to pick me up and took good care of me. It was a fun night with good company. The show was ok, it ain't no RENT! I think I might be spoiled forever. There was no "Yellow Brick Road" on stage, it was all background. I give it a C+, I know pickie... Cathy knows me to well, we got in a little debate about opening a certain old can of worms, but I told her it is just too fun not too. The funniest thing was they all asked, "Didn't Michael want to come?" It never occurred to me to ask him. I just always see shows with friends. Does that make me a bad wife?? Friday night we had a date.No biggie just dinner. Saturday we went to Quinn's 3rd B-day party. It was a swim party and was nice to see family we don't always see. Why can one comment trick me off so bad tho? Kayden had a blast and Quinn was so cute running all over. Now I am thinking about doing Kayden's party there, but I am un-sure, oh the b-day party drama ahead. I then went to lunch with my star Leanne, it was nice to catch up and hear about her up coming trip to Ireland, I think big adventures are ahead for her.

Father's Day was quite and nice. After Mass, we usually go eat somewhere really bad for me. But I was so proud of us. Instead of going for lunch at Olive Garden (Aww bread sticks!), We came home to a nice healthy turkey sandwich, hummus and veggies. Yummy!! One persons boring is another healthy! Then we just hung out at home and grilled awesome chicken and veggies Kay-Bobs for dinner. I called my dad and found out they were going to his step-daughter's, no invite for us, of course. Hello, I am your real daughter here. Father's day is hard for me. I pick up card after card that does not apply to my situation. The quote, "Men are rats! Men are fleas on rats! Worse than that!! Men are ameba's on fleas on rats!!! The only guy a girl can trust is her Daddy!" just is not my reality.

Kayden is doing well with the potty training, it took me a few days to be OK with him being bottomless. He sits, goes, dumps, flushes, washes hands, and said, "I big, I jump!" But it is still hit or miss. This morning he looked right at me and peed on the floor. So it will take time and have to remain focus.

Splat!!

I had an eventful weekend. Got my hair cut. Which I like, just still getting use to. I am shocked when I look in the mirror. Went to Weight Watcher, they were more friendly then I thought. It helped to go with a friend. My journey got put on hold for a day.

After WW, we decided to go to the mall and let Kayden run off some energy. We were getting ready to leave and Splat! Kayden ran in front of me, I usually can stop. But not this time. Instead of falling on my child, I fell backwards, I thought I'd stop when my bum hit. Nope, I kept going. My head hit the marble floor very very hard. It felt like a wipe-lash. It knocked the wind out of me and of course I started crying. And crying and crying. I got up kind of light headed and my pride was very bruised. My poor baby was so up-set, he sat on a chair in the middle of the mall and started crying. He knew mommy was hurt. Michael said in the nine plus years, he has known me that was the worse he has ever seen me fall. He feels bad he could not save me. I pulled it together pulled out some candy for Kayden and told him I was ok. He held my hand all the way to the car. I think I will be saving lots of money this summer, I do not want to go to the mall for a long time.

We grabbed a healthy lunch and went home. I rested then went to a cousin's wedding reception. I am sure everyone there thinks I'm a big snob but I felt awful, not in a party mood. I was asleep by 7:30. I still have a headache, neck pain, dizziness, and over all don't feel good. Today more of the same, just doing normal stuff has been a struggle and been I have been really tried.I probably should have gone the er, but really what could they do. I am going to call my regular Dr. tomorrow if I still feel off.

Just a side note Potty Training is in full force and going great. I am so proud of Kayden and will blog about it soon.

Time to be Brave....

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave---Brave, Idina Menzel


Sometimes I look at other woman and become envious of their weight, looks or life. I wonder if anyone ever feels that way about me. Then I look in the mirror and see my reflection. I think I have lost pieces of myself along the way.

Change is ahead and in the air, Friday I am getting my hair cut. It has been 2 1/2 yrs, since I had a real cut. I went from super short to now. I thinking about a chain length bob with bangs. I scared to cut my hair. There is a weird comfort in my ponytail. But it will always grow back and can't look any worse. Right?? I just don't want to sit in the "chair," and walk out, thinking, "Why did I do that?" I hope I can fix it.

Then the major issue is my weight. I NEVER thought I would have to deal with a weight problem. I always have been little. I don't think I hit a 100 pds till I was in college. But my late 20s and now it has all changed. I used to ask others, "Do look fat!" Ahhh, someone should have slapped me very hard. I lost 30 pds two summers ago with Weight Watchers after having Kayden. I looked amazing, was proud of myself and thought I had it made. I then got a big head and quit going to the meetings. I was so focus and in control. After I hit my goal, I felt very unsupported and so judged.

So I have decided to try to go again and learn from my mistakes. Saturday I am starting full force. I tried going back before but this time, I am going for real and reaching my goal. I don't make a good fat girl! I am so embarrass and ashamed of myself and just plain feel bad. I just don't want to go into a meeting with my tail tucked between my legs and admit in pubic I failed. I don't fail at many things. I am also mad because I keep telling myself ,"Oh I'll lose it by such and such." But whatever event comes and go, and I am still fat. And I laugh it off. I pat my tummy and say, "I am hoping for a girl this time. LOL" But I am really dieing inside thinking, "Yes I know I am fat again, I got the memo!" And please don't ask when I'm do! I'm Not.

I guess sometimes I just feel like I don't matter and as long as Kayden is taking care of all is ok. Recently someone asked me, "How are you?", my answer was about Kayden and they said, "Yes but what about you?" I had to seriously stop and think for a second to find words to say. Like my closest I feel my personal outlook and self worth is in complete disarray. It is time to clean it out. Stop looking at my clothes as pieces of art work hanging in a museum. It is time to be "Brave," take that chance, be happy, and fly!

My goal is to look like this again by September 2009.

It is a Win, Win!

Not much to say... I think this has been the longest week of my life. Waiting for Michael to get done with school has been like trying to stay awake on Christmas Eve. And Kayden been so cranky since daddy has been working 14 hours a day. Being a mom is hard being a good mom is even harder.

Today my Mom and I took him took "Monkey Business," it is a indoor play ground. He played and played. He loves the fort and slide there. I was proud of mom for not being too weird, she sat back and gave him breathing room. Maybe she is claming down , we can hope right? I went to the doctor and got meds to sleep at night, I have server anxiety attacks at night, so I need a little help. YAY Sleep!! Summer is here. Parties, weekend fun and a trip to the beach, Keyden goes back to school, potty training, and a long a weighted hair cut and broad-way shows! There be lots to blog about....

This weekend is Kayden's friend Logan's 3rd Birthday Party (so hard to believe) and Sunday is Girls Day out!! Sunday Michael's parents are giving us and bring over a fridge. Michael's Dad has NEVER liked me, oil and water, so I am leaving. Which is great for me, because I going to be with my lovely friends and talk to a man about a Coach! :-) It is a Win, Win!

Waves of Regret....

In the lyrics for the song, "My Way," it states:

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

But is the song really true to life? I think not. I think (myself included) we are so worry about what others think of us, we live 99% of our lives doing things to please the outside world at hand. Regret is such an ugly little creature with its' little horns siting on ones shoulder, it can pop up anywhere and anytime.

Like most, I have many waves in my sea of regrets. Some just touch the lip of the sand and others are strong waves that could carry a boat far from its' home. Like why did I chose to major in education when I knew the world defines "Role Model," so differently then I do. I probably could have found a way to use my talents better elsewhere. Or why when I'm around my Daddy, I turned into the 7 year old he left. I wish I could ask, "Why the hell did you chose the bottle, pot, and another women you might have know since before I was born over a family that could have been bound for greatest?" Probably because the truth of my Daddy's words would swallow me whole.

Then there are the title waves of regrets. The ones that sweep over my head and leave me gasping for air when I lest expect it. Like the real reason I hate the holidays, or when so long ago someone asked me for space. But being young, I did not know what that meant. I was just trying to hold on to newest of something I wanted to find my whole life. Would the course of my life be so different now? Yes. Would that be a bad thing, I honestly don't know that answer.

One of my biggest waves of regrets and it has been haunting me allot lately is not saying good bye to my MaMa Shug (my Mom's Mother) I was the baby of eighteen grand children and wore it like a badge of honor. There was a four year age gap between my closest cousin and I. And ask anyone, they all say I was her favorite. While they were off being grown-ups, I was still young enough to want to be with her. My Ma Shug had the most beautiful porcelain skin and always smelled of Estee Lauder Youth Dew perfume. She was a good christen women who believed in her bible, said her prayers, and never said a bad word.Expect for s-it never with the "h". Which still makes me laugh.

She was never sick, so when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer it was a shock. Within two weeks we were are her funnel. The day before she pasted away we arrived at the hospital. Ma Ma Shug was in a coma. I saw all the tubes coming out of her and her beautiful skin was now a shade of green, I'd never seen before. One look at her from the doorway, I slide down the wall in tears. One of my older cousins took by back to their house. I was not strong enough to say goodbye. She died one mouth to the day shy of my fifteenth birthday.

I always say, "What happen when there are no words left to be said?" But from the sea of regrets in my life, I leaned there are always words left to be said. For me tho, it's just simply if my soul can find it's own voice to say them aloud or if the water will drown them out.

Thought

A child's innocents is like a tattoo with the passing of life it starts to slowly fade.

UP!

We took Kayden to see UP!! He did pretty good considering it was only his third movie and it was way over his head. He got wormie in the boring parts and went back and forth between me and Michael about 1000 times. He would say this long string of words then put is finger to his mouth and say "Hush!". He danced at the end he said "Bye-Bye Movie!" Very cute.

My favorite part was the talking dog and collar. I swear did they take a page from my dog Angel's life. He-He I love you, He-He Ball, He-He Food, SQUIRREL!!!! Now that was funny.

Off to finish my book "My Sister's Keeper" with less then 100 pages to go, I've enjoyed every word. It is the perfect book to get me back into reading. I am proud of myself I must say.