Time to be Brave....

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave---Brave, Idina Menzel


Sometimes I look at other woman and become envious of their weight, looks or life. I wonder if anyone ever feels that way about me. Then I look in the mirror and see my reflection. I think I have lost pieces of myself along the way.

Change is ahead and in the air, Friday I am getting my hair cut. It has been 2 1/2 yrs, since I had a real cut. I went from super short to now. I thinking about a chain length bob with bangs. I scared to cut my hair. There is a weird comfort in my ponytail. But it will always grow back and can't look any worse. Right?? I just don't want to sit in the "chair," and walk out, thinking, "Why did I do that?" I hope I can fix it.

Then the major issue is my weight. I NEVER thought I would have to deal with a weight problem. I always have been little. I don't think I hit a 100 pds till I was in college. But my late 20s and now it has all changed. I used to ask others, "Do look fat!" Ahhh, someone should have slapped me very hard. I lost 30 pds two summers ago with Weight Watchers after having Kayden. I looked amazing, was proud of myself and thought I had it made. I then got a big head and quit going to the meetings. I was so focus and in control. After I hit my goal, I felt very unsupported and so judged.

So I have decided to try to go again and learn from my mistakes. Saturday I am starting full force. I tried going back before but this time, I am going for real and reaching my goal. I don't make a good fat girl! I am so embarrass and ashamed of myself and just plain feel bad. I just don't want to go into a meeting with my tail tucked between my legs and admit in pubic I failed. I don't fail at many things. I am also mad because I keep telling myself ,"Oh I'll lose it by such and such." But whatever event comes and go, and I am still fat. And I laugh it off. I pat my tummy and say, "I am hoping for a girl this time. LOL" But I am really dieing inside thinking, "Yes I know I am fat again, I got the memo!" And please don't ask when I'm do! I'm Not.

I guess sometimes I just feel like I don't matter and as long as Kayden is taking care of all is ok. Recently someone asked me, "How are you?", my answer was about Kayden and they said, "Yes but what about you?" I had to seriously stop and think for a second to find words to say. Like my closest I feel my personal outlook and self worth is in complete disarray. It is time to clean it out. Stop looking at my clothes as pieces of art work hanging in a museum. It is time to be "Brave," take that chance, be happy, and fly!

My goal is to look like this again by September 2009.