Labor Day Weekend and Things.....

We had a good holiday weekend. No big plans. But we did get invited to Charles and Ann Porters (My JoJo's in-laws) Sunday night for dinner. They live not very far from Nonnie, so we stop by for a visit. She was in the dining hall when we got there and was finishing up. So Michael pushed her back to her room. Kayden was so sweet he held her hand all the way just smiling. What a picture that would have made. But no camera. I think it made her day because she just smiled too and said over and over "how pretty he is." That is one image that will stay in my heart. My 88 year old Nonnie and my sweat 3 year old hand in hand.

We always have a great time at the Porters. With everyone around and Kayden having fun with Jonas, their house is always full of warmth and love. It has become such a comfortable place to be. There is always great food, lots of laughs and always lots of teasing me! It truly is a blessing that they include us because we think of them as such a big part of our family. And Michael was in rare form telling his crazy stories, I need to start a quote of the day from. Some can be a bit unclean. But they are too funny not to share.

We spent Labor Day at the park. We had a great picnic lunch and Kayden loved playing and feeding the ducks. The ducks took me back to when I was little and my Daddy would take me to Bear Creek park. It is fun to see your own child do things that you so loved doing. While we were having lunch Kayden would say "Mom that is so ahh-icious," it was very cute. :-) Just wish is was a bit cooler!

Since the 4th, I have been doing good. I don't think I ate that bad over the holiday. I tried very hard to eat better. Today my mom brought over Sonic for lunch. Tea, Tots, and a foot long chili cheese dog. I kindly said, thanks but no thanks! I was very proud of myself since it is my fave. I am looking forward to cooking dinner. Corn Chowder, Cranberry Pecan Salad. Never made it before. I have also worked out twice this week!!

This weeks goal: No Sweet Tea, Be under 150 and Work out 4 times.... I can do this.

Looking for insight on the inside

I saw the movie Julie and Julia today, and it has inspired me. First it was a delightful movie, full of laughs, heart and perseverance. But if these two women can live their lives by learning to cook thus learning to live then, why can't I do the same thing? Yes, I failed yet again on the weight issue. I did not reach my goal, I'm still fat. After I got sick in July I stopped. There is allot to blog and catch up on from the past few months. Michael's new job, Kayden's new preschool(which they both love), potty training, Girl's night out, family, seeing shows, and all other summer events. Which I will.

Then there is me.... Always looking for insight on the inside. I want to look in mirror and see happiness. I want to be proud of who I am. My 34th birthday is in 2 mouths from today, and yes I don't mind owning that number. I have a few goals in mind that I don't want to share yet. Fall is my favorite season, but always a hard time for me. It is bittersweet and takes me back to a past that I can't let go of. Moments and memories that I hold so close to my heart, the corners are bent and the vibrant colors are now faded. In the film, Julie spent a year cooking 500 + of Julia Child's recipes and changing her life along the way, I can make changes in two mouths. Change is good, tho fighting since I have failed so so many times before. But I should look at it and image this beautiful big blue Tiffany box which is in my arms' length. And all I must do is work a little harder to pop that lid off and see what wonderful treasure awaits me on the inside.

Cause what the hospital said I'm not buying....

Well it has been awhile since I have wrote anything....

My summer has not been the way I thought it would be. I was doing so good on WW, I was focus and excited then one Monday, in late June it all changed. I got off the phone with my JoJo, and started having awful stomach pains. Thankfully, my mom was over so I asked her to keep an eye on Kayden while I went and rested for a little bit. The pain got worst, so when I tried to take a few steps and buckled to the floor, I knew it was off to the E.R. We dropped Kayden off at my sister's, (against my better judgment, she did not even come out to the car and my mom knows how to manipulate me at my weakest)I thought every bump my mom hit, my insides were going to come out. At the E.R. the drs. ran test, ultra-sound, CAT, X-Rays, and thought most likely is was a kidney stone or an ovarian cyst. The pain was so bad I could not even cry. I was in a ball just praying it would stop. They kept asking me, on a scale of 1 - 10, what is your pain level? Oh a 42! I hate that question. They were giving me morphine shots every two hours, you would think that would have helped, nope, it did nothing. After all that the tests came back negative. I was the phantom case of the day. My dad came to check on me, and my parents behaved in the same small room. Cathy saved the day, she brought me underwear, I will not go anywhere without clean underwear. So after spending all day in the e.r., the doctors decided to keep me for observation. I got to my room about 8:30 p.m. Michael went home to try to keep things normal for Kayden. I am grateful that Kim watched him, but it did not change the issues between us. Mom stayed with me in the hospital, which I was glad because it was a rough night.

The next morning, at 7:30 more X-rays and a 5 second visit from the hospital doctor. They brought me my b-fest and I was hoping for eggs and bacon, nope all liquids! So I still had the tummy pain, and was just trying to rest. When who walks through the day, an aunt I had not seen or talked in two years. What the Heck!! What give her the right to step foot in the room was beyond me. If you are not going to be supportive of me in my everyday life, do not think for a moment you can try to when I am at a low point. My fist responds was why are you here, then Michael stepped in. While she sat glaring a me, her little followers kept calling. She was not there out of concern for me, but to be nosy and gather the wrong information. If you want to find out if I'm ok, call me not someone else. Oh I was mad, mad mad!! Time past and Kayden came for a visit and did good. As Dena, Mom and I talked and waited, still no doctor or results. The nurse kept saying the doctor would be doing rounds that night.

Now I think I am a kind person useually, but at about 8:30 pm, after not seeing a doctor all day I was upset. I told the nurse, I wanted to go home. My pain was manageable, I made them remove my 3rd IV, got dressed and was waiting. The nurse said the doctor would be in before 11:00 p.m. then I could go, meanwhile Michael and I got into a disagreement, my pain returned, and I decided to stay. Yes, I had a break down After being poked 3 more times for another IV, I got some pain meds, tried to get comfortable and fell asleep. At 5:00 am the next morning, here comes the doctor. He said the pain was due to a small cyst and sent me home to rest and with meds. Since I been home for two and half weeks, I been trying to take easy. The pain is still there. Not as bad, but still there. I have two doctors visits coming up so maybe we can find out what is really going on, cause what the hospital said I'm not buying....

I have been really down lately, not wanting to do much and not caring. Just trying to get through the day and wanting to sleep. Very frustrated. There is a lot to still say about things going on and to come but that is another blog for another day.

Hit or Miss....

Lets see what has been going on....

My new picture is now going to be my official fat picture. From this point on I so hope to lose weight. I did not do that great last week, but did WW kind-of and lost 1.2 pds. But this week I'm focus and ready! My goal is to be in the 40's this week and work out at lest 4 times (I already worked out twice.) I was going to blog about what I eat each day for accountability, but I thought That might be boring. But we will see.

Last week, I went to dinner and to see the Wizard of OZ, with my longest friend Cathy and her husband Robert and Kayden's music teacher Desiree and her husband. Robert was so kind to pick me up and took good care of me. It was a fun night with good company. The show was ok, it ain't no RENT! I think I might be spoiled forever. There was no "Yellow Brick Road" on stage, it was all background. I give it a C+, I know pickie... Cathy knows me to well, we got in a little debate about opening a certain old can of worms, but I told her it is just too fun not too. The funniest thing was they all asked, "Didn't Michael want to come?" It never occurred to me to ask him. I just always see shows with friends. Does that make me a bad wife?? Friday night we had a date.No biggie just dinner. Saturday we went to Quinn's 3rd B-day party. It was a swim party and was nice to see family we don't always see. Why can one comment trick me off so bad tho? Kayden had a blast and Quinn was so cute running all over. Now I am thinking about doing Kayden's party there, but I am un-sure, oh the b-day party drama ahead. I then went to lunch with my star Leanne, it was nice to catch up and hear about her up coming trip to Ireland, I think big adventures are ahead for her.

Father's Day was quite and nice. After Mass, we usually go eat somewhere really bad for me. But I was so proud of us. Instead of going for lunch at Olive Garden (Aww bread sticks!), We came home to a nice healthy turkey sandwich, hummus and veggies. Yummy!! One persons boring is another healthy! Then we just hung out at home and grilled awesome chicken and veggies Kay-Bobs for dinner. I called my dad and found out they were going to his step-daughter's, no invite for us, of course. Hello, I am your real daughter here. Father's day is hard for me. I pick up card after card that does not apply to my situation. The quote, "Men are rats! Men are fleas on rats! Worse than that!! Men are ameba's on fleas on rats!!! The only guy a girl can trust is her Daddy!" just is not my reality.

Kayden is doing well with the potty training, it took me a few days to be OK with him being bottomless. He sits, goes, dumps, flushes, washes hands, and said, "I big, I jump!" But it is still hit or miss. This morning he looked right at me and peed on the floor. So it will take time and have to remain focus.

Splat!!

I had an eventful weekend. Got my hair cut. Which I like, just still getting use to. I am shocked when I look in the mirror. Went to Weight Watcher, they were more friendly then I thought. It helped to go with a friend. My journey got put on hold for a day.

After WW, we decided to go to the mall and let Kayden run off some energy. We were getting ready to leave and Splat! Kayden ran in front of me, I usually can stop. But not this time. Instead of falling on my child, I fell backwards, I thought I'd stop when my bum hit. Nope, I kept going. My head hit the marble floor very very hard. It felt like a wipe-lash. It knocked the wind out of me and of course I started crying. And crying and crying. I got up kind of light headed and my pride was very bruised. My poor baby was so up-set, he sat on a chair in the middle of the mall and started crying. He knew mommy was hurt. Michael said in the nine plus years, he has known me that was the worse he has ever seen me fall. He feels bad he could not save me. I pulled it together pulled out some candy for Kayden and told him I was ok. He held my hand all the way to the car. I think I will be saving lots of money this summer, I do not want to go to the mall for a long time.

We grabbed a healthy lunch and went home. I rested then went to a cousin's wedding reception. I am sure everyone there thinks I'm a big snob but I felt awful, not in a party mood. I was asleep by 7:30. I still have a headache, neck pain, dizziness, and over all don't feel good. Today more of the same, just doing normal stuff has been a struggle and been I have been really tried.I probably should have gone the er, but really what could they do. I am going to call my regular Dr. tomorrow if I still feel off.

Just a side note Potty Training is in full force and going great. I am so proud of Kayden and will blog about it soon.

Time to be Brave....

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave---Brave, Idina Menzel


Sometimes I look at other woman and become envious of their weight, looks or life. I wonder if anyone ever feels that way about me. Then I look in the mirror and see my reflection. I think I have lost pieces of myself along the way.

Change is ahead and in the air, Friday I am getting my hair cut. It has been 2 1/2 yrs, since I had a real cut. I went from super short to now. I thinking about a chain length bob with bangs. I scared to cut my hair. There is a weird comfort in my ponytail. But it will always grow back and can't look any worse. Right?? I just don't want to sit in the "chair," and walk out, thinking, "Why did I do that?" I hope I can fix it.

Then the major issue is my weight. I NEVER thought I would have to deal with a weight problem. I always have been little. I don't think I hit a 100 pds till I was in college. But my late 20s and now it has all changed. I used to ask others, "Do look fat!" Ahhh, someone should have slapped me very hard. I lost 30 pds two summers ago with Weight Watchers after having Kayden. I looked amazing, was proud of myself and thought I had it made. I then got a big head and quit going to the meetings. I was so focus and in control. After I hit my goal, I felt very unsupported and so judged.

So I have decided to try to go again and learn from my mistakes. Saturday I am starting full force. I tried going back before but this time, I am going for real and reaching my goal. I don't make a good fat girl! I am so embarrass and ashamed of myself and just plain feel bad. I just don't want to go into a meeting with my tail tucked between my legs and admit in pubic I failed. I don't fail at many things. I am also mad because I keep telling myself ,"Oh I'll lose it by such and such." But whatever event comes and go, and I am still fat. And I laugh it off. I pat my tummy and say, "I am hoping for a girl this time. LOL" But I am really dieing inside thinking, "Yes I know I am fat again, I got the memo!" And please don't ask when I'm do! I'm Not.

I guess sometimes I just feel like I don't matter and as long as Kayden is taking care of all is ok. Recently someone asked me, "How are you?", my answer was about Kayden and they said, "Yes but what about you?" I had to seriously stop and think for a second to find words to say. Like my closest I feel my personal outlook and self worth is in complete disarray. It is time to clean it out. Stop looking at my clothes as pieces of art work hanging in a museum. It is time to be "Brave," take that chance, be happy, and fly!

My goal is to look like this again by September 2009.

It is a Win, Win!

Not much to say... I think this has been the longest week of my life. Waiting for Michael to get done with school has been like trying to stay awake on Christmas Eve. And Kayden been so cranky since daddy has been working 14 hours a day. Being a mom is hard being a good mom is even harder.

Today my Mom and I took him took "Monkey Business," it is a indoor play ground. He played and played. He loves the fort and slide there. I was proud of mom for not being too weird, she sat back and gave him breathing room. Maybe she is claming down , we can hope right? I went to the doctor and got meds to sleep at night, I have server anxiety attacks at night, so I need a little help. YAY Sleep!! Summer is here. Parties, weekend fun and a trip to the beach, Keyden goes back to school, potty training, and a long a weighted hair cut and broad-way shows! There be lots to blog about....

This weekend is Kayden's friend Logan's 3rd Birthday Party (so hard to believe) and Sunday is Girls Day out!! Sunday Michael's parents are giving us and bring over a fridge. Michael's Dad has NEVER liked me, oil and water, so I am leaving. Which is great for me, because I going to be with my lovely friends and talk to a man about a Coach! :-) It is a Win, Win!